Category: confession

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Blast From the Past: Out of the Cave, Into the…

This was first posted on February 6, 2012. The healing process had begun.

Some of you have read my recent post about finding myself in a cave. I’m now out of the cave, although still not far from the entrance. I now find myself in the middle of a thicket, sort of like a stand of rhododendron or mountain laurel, so thick that you cannot see out of it. It is still somewhat dark, and the direction I should take is unclear. I see many paths out, but don’t know yet which one to take.

There is the path that would take me back into the church world I left a few years ago. Next to it is the path that would take me to the land of the mega-church. Here I could find a place to hide and lick my wounds. One path seems to go in circles, and looks as if it would leave me no better off. Yet another way out continues in the search for community. That is the path that interests me the most, and the way that I have learned most about in the last couple of days.

You see, I have learned something about community, and about myself. I think I’m beginning to learn why I spent time in the dark cave. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a pretty laid back individual, but that when I am passionate about something, I tend to go all out. As I learned more and more about the God’s desire for his children to live as brothers and sisters because of Christ, I became more and more passionate with living in community. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.” As I look back on the past year, and my desire to have and fight for community, I realize I inadvertently pushed it too hard and may have been part of the cause of its destruction. I know that my heart was good, but I think I may have wanted community so badly that I didn’t see the problems that it was causing. Even though I tried to sacrificially love those around me, I think that I didn’t leave room for God to work, thinking that as long as we spent enough time together, growth and maturity would automatically happen.

I now realize that community is something that has to happen naturally, as God’s people learn to love one another. It is something that cannot be forced, and the Holy Spirit must be the one to form it rather than humans whose motives can be tainted by our own needs. I also realize that a particular form of community may not last as long as I think, and that I need to be willing to let it go when it is time. For those of you reading this who have been on the receiving end of my misguided efforts, I am sorry. I put the ideal of community ahead of my brothers and sisters. I was wrong.

As to what is next in this journey along the back roads, only God knows. I know that Jan and I still desire to share our lives with some fellow Christ-followers. I also know that it may not take any form that we expect. It may be in a regular gathering. It may take place in just getting together with one or two who share our desire. What I also know is that I want it to be something that happens as Christ’s Spirit moves, not when I think it should happen.

I’m learning to trust my Father. As I leave the thicket, I want to be hear my Shepherd’s voice and follow him wherever he leads, whenever he leads, and to whatever he leads. I would appreciate your prayers.

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God Be Merciful

In Luke 18:9-14, Jesus tells a story about a Pharisee and a tax collector who both came to the Temple to pray. The Pharisee prayed in an arrogant, condescending manner, thanking God that he wasn’t like all of the “sinners” around him. In contrast, the tax collector didn’t even look up toward heaven, but beat his chest and begged for God to have mercy on him because he was a sinner. As I read this the other day, I was convicted of my own tendency to think that I’m better than others.

I grew up in a church culture that taught that we were better off than others because we had made the choice to accept Jesus as personal Savior, and didn’t commit some of the sins that characterized those “of the world.” While we claimed to be humble because we were simply “sinners saved by grace,” our attitudes indicated otherwise. There was a definite divide between “us” and “them.” As a Bible college student, and later as a graduate involved in “full time” Christian ministry, the temptation was to think of myself as on another level because I “knew” Scripture and was teaching others.

After a few years, I became one of the Reformed. I was fairly young, though not restless, but I was enthralled with the intellectual side of faith. Again, the temptation, which I unfortunately succumbed to at times, was to think that my study and reasoning put me ahead of those who just didn’t know what Scripture “really meant.” In the ensuing years I have wandered through the post-evangelical wilderness, through non-denominational church, emerging Christianity, and “simple organic” church. I have actually landed in a community that is in the Reformed tradition, although I am certainly not young and am quite content.

 I could very easily think that I have arrived. The problem is that it’s still far to easy to fall into that old trap of thinking that I’m somehow better than any number of people. I can think, “I’m glad I’m not one of those_____________________ any more.” We all want to think that we have it together and are better than other folks, and I am no exception. I thank the Father that it’s not as bad as it used to be, but there are still times when that spiritual pride rears its ugly head. I don’t want to give in to that temptation because I have learned that if God needs to humble me, the experience tends to not be a whole lot of fun.

I want my attitude to be that of the tax collector, who saw his condition without God’s mercy. I know that it’s only by the Father’s grace that there is anything good in me, but sometimes I try to take a little bit of credit myself. I am relieved and grateful that God is my Father, and that he is working in me and will bring that work to its conclusion. He is merciful.

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Repost: Hi. My Name’s Fred and I’m a…

First posted on February 17, 2009.
 
…recovering Pharisee. There should be a group named P.A. (Pharisees Anonymous). I would join. Growing up in fundamentalism, I was taught that the only ones who were right were independent fundamental Baptist. I fully believed that. I can remember being judgemental of those that used the RSV as their Bible. After all, they left out some things that were in the King James, which we knew was the only correct interpretation. Those who baptized infants, learned catechisms, venerated saints, or believed in the “social gospel” were somewhat lesser Christians than we were, if they were Christians at all. Even in the midst of my teenage rebellion, I still believed that I had been taught THE TRUTH, and everyone who disagreed with that was wrong. The attitude persisted through Bible college and I graduated fully ready to defend the Faith.

Fast forward twenty or thirty years. Through those years God has been working in me and teaching me that many of the things I had been taught were either not Biblical at all, distinctives of a particular group, or simply cultural. I began to experience real grace for the first time as I learned that the Father loves me no matter what. He is pleased with me and there is nothing I can do to make him any more or any less pleased with me. I desire to follow Jesus out of a heart full of gratitude and love rather than a need to “stay right with God” (I did a lousy job of that).

The problem is that I still struggle with being a Pharisee. I still have a tendency to judge people. The difference is that now I am not judging liberals or any of the ones I used to judge. Now, I tend to be judgemental of other people who are judgemental. I tend to look at fundamentalists, especially independent Baptists with a much too critical eye. I am realizing more and more that this attitude is nothing less than it was when I was younger. It’s sin. I am no better than those I criticize for being critical.

I read an interview in which Brain McLaren was asked about those who criticize him and call him heretic, etc. His response was that he believed that those critics loved Jesus and were trying to follow him the best they could, and that he simply disagreed with their methods as well as some of their theology. It was one of the most gracious responses I’ve ever seen. He did not condemn them, but accepted them as brothers, even though they disagree. That’s the kind of response I want to have in my life toward those who are critical. May God grant that to all of us.

My name’s Fred and I’m try to leave Phariseeism behind.

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Out of the Cave, Into the…

Some of you have read my recent post about finding myself in a cave. I’m now out of the cave, although still not far from the entrance. I now find myself in the middle of a thicket, sort of like a stand of rhododendron or mountain laurel, so thick that you cannot see out of it. It is still somewhat dark, and the direction I should take is unclear. I see many paths out, but don’t know yet which one to take.

There is the path that would take me back into the church world I left a few years ago. Next to it is the path that would take me to the land of the mega-church. Here I could find a place to hide and lick my wounds. One path seems to go in circles, and looks as if it would leave me no better off. Yet another way out continues in the search for community. That is the path that interests me the most, and the way that I have learned most about in the last couple of days.

You see, I have learned something about community, and about myself. I think I’m beginning to learn why I spent time in the dark cave. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a pretty laid back individual, but that when I am passionate about something, I tend to go all out. As I learned more and more about the God’s desire for his children to live as brothers and sisters because of Christ, I became more and more passionate with living in community. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.” As I look back on the past year, and my desire to have and fight for community, I realize I inadvertently pushed it too hard and may have been part of the cause of its destruction. I know that my heart was good, but I think I may have wanted community so badly that I didn’t see the problems that it was causing. Even though I tried to sacrificially love those around me, I think that I didn’t leave room for God to work, thinking that as long as we spent enough time together, growth and maturity would automatically happen.

I now realize that community is something that has to happen naturally, as God’s people learn to love one another. It is something that cannot be forced, and the Holy Spirit must be the one to form it rather than humans whose motives can be tainted by our own needs. I also realize that a particular form of community may not last as long as I think, and that I need to be willing to let it go when it is time. For those of you reading this who have been on the receiving end of my misguided efforts, I am sorry. I put the ideal of community ahead of my brothers and sisters. I was wrong.

As to what is next in this journey along the back roads, only God knows. I know that Jan and I still desire to share our lives with some fellow Christ-followers. I also know that it may not take any form that we expect. It may be in a regular gathering. It may take place in just getting together with one or two who share our desire. What I also know is that I want it to be something that happens as Christ’s Spirit moves, not when I think it should happen.

I’m learning to trust my Father. As I leave the thicket, I want to be hear my Shepherd’s voice and follow him wherever he leads, whenever he leads, and to whatever he leads. I would appreciate your prayers.

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Confession Time

I have a confession to make. I don’t follow Jesus perfectly. That’s not the confession though. If you are reading this, you don’t follow Jesus perfectly either. As far as I can tell, Enoch is the one who walked the closest with God, and one day he just wasn’t there. I haven’t seen that happen with anyone else.

My confession is this: I don’t follow Jesus freely. Coming from a background where my actions and obedience counted for more than what was in my heart, it has been relatively easy for me to feel free to do certain things that I was taught were sin. That is not the problem. The problem is that, in trying to follow Jesus, I have been wearing chains that have kept me from freely doing so.

I have tried to be the perfect disciple. I have tried to always say the right thing and always be there for those who need help or are hurting. God has blessed (cursed?) me with a soft heart and in my desire to empathize with people and show them God’s love, I have tried too hard. When things go wrong, I beat myself up because I have not done a good job of loving, serving, being a friend, etc. Just ask Jan. I’ll even beat myself up because I beat myself up!

I came to the realization today that Jesus has not called me to follow him perfectly. He simply calls me to follow him. He has called me to be free. Galatians 5:1 says that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Think about it. Christ has set us free so we can be free! Free from sin, yes. Free from death, yes. Free from guilt, yes. I realized that he has also set us free from anything that would keep us from following him with a wild abandon. Free from the opinions and expectations of others. Free from always having to do or say the right thing. Free from second guessing and beating ourselves up. Free to fully trust the love of the Father, the power of the Spirit to change lives, and the promise in Romans 8:28 that God does work in everything for the good of us becoming like Christ. I’ve always “believed” that in my head and gave lip service, but I want to grasp hold of those truths and hold onto them with everything in me.

I want to follow my Lord and Savior with every fiber of my being, to hear only my Shepherd’s voice and be trusting enough to follow him with abandon. I want to love others recklessly, to give myself as Jesus did, to simply do whatever my Master tells me to do, regardless. I want to believe without question that my Father loves me even when I’m not perfect, and that he can and will redeem my screw-ups and bring good out of them. I want to not second guess myself, and I want others to see Jesus in me to such an extent that they don’t doubt the goodness of my heart or the love of Jesus.

On top of all that, I want to be and do all this without trying. I want to come to know my Jesus so intimately that it all comes out of my union with him. It seems like a lot to ask for, but my Father is over all and I believe he wants that for me. All I have to do is take it.

I want to follow Jesus freely, not perfectly.

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For My Friends

In John 15:13, Jesus said, “Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” Of course, we know that the context is Jesus telling his disciples that he is now calling them friends and that he is going to lay down his life. That has also been interpreted over the years to teach that we, as followers of Jesus, are to lay down our lives for others. I look at this verse and put it together with the command to love each other as Christ loves us and the declaration that that love will be the mark that shows who we belong to. It causes me to look at myself and ask if I’m really willing to lay down my life for my friends. I don’t mean just being willing to take a bullet or throw myself in front of a speeding bus. It is much deeper, and I believe, much more difficult than that. Am I willing to give up my time for my friends? Am I willing to make them a priority? Am I willing to rearrange my schedule, if possible, for them? Am I willing to be awakened in the middle of the night to lend a hand? Am I willing to let them have their way in certain matters? To go deeper, am I willing to pursue a brother or sister who is estranged? Am I willing to forgo worship to be reconciled, as Jesus taught? Am I willing to humble myself and ask forgiveness? Am I willing to forgive, whether the other has asked or not? Am I willing to acknowledge hurt, forgive, and then re-establish fellowship because the other is my sister or brother, because we are family? Now it’s starting to sound more like dying. Am I willing to do whatever it takes, at any cost to myself, to strive to keep the unity we have in Jesus Christ? Am I willing to be misunderstood, criticized, even slandered to show Abba’s love to a world that is desperately in need of it? Am I willing to die? Tough questions. Questions that I ask myself, questions that all who follow Jesus should ask. My answer echoes the prayer of the father with the sick son in Mark 9:24: Lord, I am willing, help my lack of willingness!

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Questions From Jesus

This morning in our gathering, we were talking about some of the questions that Jesus asked during his time on earth. There are three in particular that we are going to attempt to answer as individuals and as a body.

The first question is, “Who do you say that I am?” When Jesus asked his disciples this question, Peter gave the famous answer that the Church is built upon. He said, “You are the Messiah, the son of the living God.” Jesus commended him for this answer and declared that it was revealed to him from God. Not long after this, Jesus was calling Peter, “Satan” for declaring that Jesus was not going to die. Even though Peter made a great declaration of faith, he didn’t totally understand all that went into that statement. He wasn’t thinking of a Messiah that would submit and die. He was still looking for a King that would defeat the pagan Romans and restore the glory of Israel.

Things haven’t changed that much since the first century. We make the same declaration, yet we usually don’t understand everything that means. We tell people that Jesus is Savior, or that Jesus is Lord. But, do we really live like that is true? Do we really get it?

As we attempt to answer the three questions, we are going to try and do it without resorting to the stock answers we’ve heard all our lives. We’re not even allowed to use Peter’s answer. 🙂 It will be interesting.

Who do you say that Jesus is?

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Confession

Before I begin, I realized that in the post titled Mustard Seeds, I didn’t give proper attribution to the source of a large part of my thinking. The basic thought about the mustard seeds came from Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw. I just added a couple of my thoughts. So, Shane, on the outside chance that you read that post :), I apologize for not giving credit where it was due. Thanks to Jeff McQ for jogging my brain on that.

I’m realizing more and more that we, meaning my generation, have failed our children in a major way. During my twenty-three years as a Christian school teacher, I constantly heard about the numbers of students who were graduating from Christian schools around the country and abandoning their faith within a couple of years. This was usually blamed on things like liberal atheist professors in the secular schools (thus making it “imperative” that we get our students to go to “good” Christian colleges), the influence of wicked friends, or just the human tendency to “backslide” when left without good teaching.

As a parent of two adult children, who went through Christian schools and who grew up in church, I’m more attuned to the possibility of their faith being left in the dust, and I think I know the reason why their generation is abandoning the church, and, in some cases, faith.

We spent most of our time teaching our children that being a Christian was a matter of “asking Jesus into your heart” so you would be able to go to heaven when you die. We taught that salvation was a destination, that it simply placed you in the position of being acceptable to God. Correct behavior was important, but it usually was a matter of managing sin by following a set of rules and regulations. Becoming like Christ was reduced down to “sinning” as little as possible. Spiritual discipline consisted of reading the Bible every day, praying, and witnessing, and discipleship was doing those things longer and more often.

Now, in our defense, we taught them this way because that is the way we were taught. Back when the culture was more in sync with “Christianity,” the idea of making people Christians by getting them to “accept Jesus” worked culturally, so not a whole lot of us knew any different. Now that the culture has become apathetic, if not hostile, toward Christians, the old cultural way of Christendom doesn’t work. Our children have seen through the barriers that we placed between them and Jesus, and have rejected what they knew as “church.”

As the walls of Christendom coming tumbling down it is imperative that we teach those who are learning from us that there is much more to following Jesus than having a home in heaven when you die. We must teach them that being a Christian is a matter of being a citizen of a different Kingdom, a subject of the King of Kings. We must communicate that following Jesus means that we are a new creation, that we have the Spirit of God inside us. Becoming like Jesus means living our lives as he would live them, and loving others as he would love them. Spiritual discipline means doing what Jesus did, spending time in prayer, solitude and silence, and fasting. Our lives are to be lived from the inside out, not just by managing our behavior. Fortunately, there are those from our generation who are teaching these things, and there are many from the current generation who have learned them.

O behalf of my generation, I confess that we have failed you that are our children and grandchildren We have failed in communicating the glorious Gospel of Jesus Christ and his Kingdom, and have replaced it with a gospel of Christendom.

Some of us are learning, and are trying to make up for lost ground. I pray that those who have grown up in the church and have left will be drawn by the Spirit to the reality of the Kingdom of God and the true King.