Category: grieving

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Ten Years Ago, Part 2

It was a beautiful early Fall day, and my dad and I had travelled down to the Charleston, SC area to watch his grandson, my nephew, play soccer. My mom had passed away thirty-three days earlier. I didn’t really want to be gone from home that day but drove him down because he really wanted to go.

I’m glad I went, because that day would be the last time I would see my father in this life. During halftime of the soccer game, while my niece and I were coming back from the concession stand, my dad suffered a massive heart attack and died. Paramedics tried to revive him, but he was gone and suddenly I was without both of my parents. I truly believe that Dad died of a broken heart.

Here it is, ten years later, and so much of that day and the ones immediately following are still pretty fresh in my memory. I had lost my hero, the one I looked up to even when I was angry with him. Even though there were things we didn’t see eye-to-eye on, I still loved him and knew that he loved me. I see a great deal of my dad in me and even though I didn’t get the handyman gene,(that skipped me and went straight to Josh) I did inherit enough stubbornness to at least try. Sometimes I’m successful!

Over the past ten years, I’ve become more and more comfortable in my own skin, as my father was comfortable in his. I look back with satisfaction at the ways I am like him. It’s in those ways, now that I understand better, that I saw Jesus in my dad. Hopefully the same is true with me.

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Sad, Angry, and Hopeful

Today, I lied to one of my bus passengers. She told me she had been diagnosed with ALS and asked me if I knew anything about it. After stating a couple of generalities, I told her that I couldn’t think of anything else because I didn’t want to be the one to tell her that the disease is fatal. Two days ago, our next door neighbor died from pancreatic cancer, just a few days after coming home from the hospital. A week and a half ago, friends of ours lost their twenty one year old only son in a tragic accident. I see and hear of families and friendships being torn asunder because of pride and selfishness.

I am saddened by all these things. It is heartbreaking to see parents grieving a son that is supposed to outlive them. It grieves me to know that I will no longer speak to my neighbor across the fence between our houses. I am sad to hear of someone contracting a deadly disease. My heart aches to see relationships broken and people I know in pain.

I am angry because none of these things are the way it is supposed to be, the way creation was made to be. I am angry at evil, at sin, at the things that happen to us, and at the things we do to each other. I am angry because I feel helpless much of the time, knowing that so much is out of my control.

I am sad and I am angry. Yet, at the same time I am hopeful. I believe that the Creator of the universe has stepped into this world, taking on humanity. Entering death, on the cross, the King came through the other side and defeated death. His kingdom was inaugurated through this death and has been coming to fruition in small ways ever since. This King will return and set all things to right. I don’t understand everything that happens in this life and there are many things I don’t like. But, I do believe that one day there will be no cancer, no ALS, no death. I believe that all broken relationships will be reconciled and there will be wholeness and peace.

Even so come, Lord Jesus!

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How Long?

This is a poem I wrote recently.

How long?
How long must parents mourn the death of children
Disease, hunger, war, or their own hand?
How long must children watch parents waste away?
Disease, dementia, or simply age
How long must families, friendships, communities be torn apart?
Selfishness and sin
How long must people and nations be destroyed?
Hatred and war
How long must the land be devastated?
Floods, tornadoes, hurricanes
How long must the earth groan?
Belching fire and tearing violently asunder
Creation is broken. It is not supposed to be this way
How long?
How long must we wait
Reunion with loved ones?
How long must we wait
Relationships set right?
How long must we wait?
Creation set right
How long must we wait?
Disease, pain, death ended
How long must we wait?
Anticipating your return
How long must we wait?
Resurrection and the death of death
We long for the way it is supposed to be

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Inside Out

A little while ago, Jan and I went to the movie theater to see Inside Out. The reviews were pretty good and a few people that I know had seen it and liked it, so we decided to give it a try. We both really enjoyed it and would highly recommend it. I thought the film had a good message that is relevant to those of us who follow Jesus.

In the movie, Joy was the leader of the emotions rolling around in the lead character’s head. The other emotions were Anger, Fear, Disgust, and Sadness. As the main character, a girl named Riley, went through different experiences in her life, the emotions all had a part to play. The only emotion that was sometimes shut out was Sadness. Joy was so dominant that she wouldn’t let Sadness do much of anything. As the film progressed, the girl and her family moved to a new town. Somehow, in spite of the best efforts of Joy, Sadness touched some memories and things began to rapidly deteriorate. At one point Joy and Sadness were sucked out of Riley and Anger was left to run things. Things went from bad to worse, until Riley decided the only thing to do was to run away and return to her former hometown.

As Joy and Sadness desperately searched for a way to save Riley, they went through a wide range of memories and things that had happened in her life. Finally, Joy realized that the only way to save Riley was to let Sadness play her part. That caused Riley to become sad and, in that sadness, return to her parents. As happens in most movies, everyone lived happily ever after. Joy realized that Sadness had an important part to play in Riley’s life.

I think that lesson is something that many Christians need to learn. We tend to want joy all the time. Our worship songs speak of how wonderful it is to be a Christian. “There is joy in serving Jesus.” We are told that the world out there needs to see us happy and “joyful” so they will want what we have. Some of us are told that bad things happen only because satan is attacking us, and we need to believe and rise above it, in effect pretending that we are not hurting. It is implied (and sometimes stated outright) that if we are sad, there is something wrong with our faith.

That way of thinking is contrary to so much of what we see in Scripture, and has not been the experience of God’s people through the ages. Even a quick reading through the Psalms shows a range of emotions, from joy and gladness to sadness and despair. A number of Psalms are songs of lament, asking God why evil happens to good people or why the wicked prosper. Most of those do end in confidence that God will act and that justice will be done. There is always a sense of trust in God even in the midst of deep despair, but the psalmists are always honest about their feelings. God’s people have always faced trouble. Jesus told us that we will have trouble in this world. We live in a broken world with broken people. The difference is the knowledge that our Father is in control, even when tragedy strikes.

By denying any of our emotions, we deny our humanity. We also deny our own brokenness and our own need of a Savior. By denying grief, we deny the opportunity to experience the deep comfort of our loving Father, and the chance to comfort others who may go through the same things. Life is not all sweetness and light. Evil still is active in the world. Sin is still around in us. There will be plenty of opportunities in life to experience sadness and grow from it, just as there will be plenty of opportunities to experience joy and happiness. We are citizens of a kingdom that is now, but not yet. Now we still must deal with grief. Someday all our tears will be wiped away and all sadness will be gone.

Until then, grieve when it’s time to grieve. Grieve well, as those who have hope. Rejoice when it’s time to rejoice. Rejoice well, as those who have hope. Don’t put on a happy mask and deny the sadness. Give space for the Spirit to do his work through everything that comes into life. Be a whole person.        

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Prayer for Charleston and Beyond

Father, we pray for the people of Charleston, for the families of those killed and for those injured. We pray for continued healing and strength in the weeks and months ahead. Thank you for the gospel we have seen in the forgiveness extended toward the shooter. Let that spirit of forgiveness and love spread throughout the city, throughout the state, and throughout the nation.

We pray that you would take what was meant for evil and turn it into the good of repentance, forgiveness, and reconciliation between races, between denominations, between political parties. May your church be united in the love of Christ and may the world know who we are through that love.

Let your name be hallowed, your kingdom come, and your will be done even in the midst of tragedy.

Amen

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No Fear

Fear. It seems as if the world runs on fear. A whole industry has evolved that is fed by fear. Organizations on both ends of the political spectrum raise money by appealing to the fear that those at the other end are going to destroy our country. Even Christian organizations use fear as a motive for giving money. The common thread that runs through the billions of dollars that are raised is fear of the future. Fear that things are not going to be good unless you give us money to fight “evil.”

Those of us who follow Jesus should not allow ourselves to get wrapped up in fear of the future. In Romans 8, Paul tells us that there are two reasons we shouldn’t fear. One is the spirit of adoption we have been given, and the other is the wonderful future that lies ahead of us.

We need not fear because the Creator and King of the universe has given us a spirit of adoption that causes us to call him “Abba,” or “Daddy.” Think about it. The sovereign God invites us to call him “Daddy.” That blows my mind! Think about the most wonderful father you can imagine. Now consider that God is infinitely better, more powerful, more loving than that. If we are children of God, we have a daddy who desperately loves us, who cares about our good, and who is powerful enough to bring our good to pass. Our future is secure because our Father is in control.

So, why do we suffer? I believe that we suffer because Jesus suffered. The early church believed that the suffering of Christ on the cross and his resurrection inaugurated the Kingdom. They saw their own suffering as building for that Kingdom little by little. Paul wrote to the Galatians that his suffering somehow filled up what was missing in Christ’s suffering. The church grew in the first three centuries through suffering and bloodshed. Look around the world today and you will see that the church still grows in suffering and bloodshed. It is in the West, where the church has grown comfortable and rich, that there is stagnation. Even so, we here in West do suffer. We may not be persecuted, but we suffer from sickness, disease, heartbreak, death, and sometimes it is hard to see any good in it. I believe even that suffering somehow builds for the Kingdom. There is hope for the future.

Our future as children of the Father is so bright that shades won’t do any good. Somehow our future is so wrapped up with the restoration of all things that creation itself is waiting with expectant groaning for our final redemption. The glory that will be revealed in us will make our suffering in this life seem like nothing! Wow! When we come to the end of our rope, we can look ahead to a future that will far surpass the worst we can go through. I don’t totally understand all of it, but there have been days when that truth was the only thing I had to hold on to. The good news is we do have that to hold on to in the midst of the worst storm.

Brothers and sisters, take heart! Your Abba loves you with an infinite love that will never let you go. Your suffering is being used by God to bring his Kingdom to bear in this life. Nothing that this life throws at you can ever prevent the glory of God from being revealed in you when the final restoration of all things comes to pass. Fear not.

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Happy All the Time?

I remember different times in my life when I heard people say that Christians are always supposed to be happy all the time, or at least give the appearance of being happy. The rational behind this was the desire to “keep a good testimony.” In other words, it was to make those outside of the faith think that, because we had Jesus, we never got down or discouraged. This was an attempt to show that Christianity “worked” and was worth trying. There are still those who preach that today, as well as those who preach that if anything negative happens to you, it is nothing but an attack from satan and can be thwarted by positive thinking and speaking. Neither of these ways of thinking match up with what Scripture tells us.

All through the Bible, there are instances where God’s people mourned and lamented. There was mourning for their sins, and there were lamentations when bad things happened. The Psalms are full of prayers that are cries to God for help in trouble and tragedy. I can’t recall any passages in Scripture that command us to be happy all the time. What you do see are warnings that we will suffer, that life is not going to be a walk down a tree lined lane into heaven. Look at the people Jesus hung out with. They were folks who had a hard life, who were the downtrodden and oppressed. Jesus never told them to put on a happy face because following him made your life problem free. He never told them to make positive pronouncements that would make them better. In fact, Jesus told those who wanted to follow him that they had to give up everything and die in order to follow him. Honestly, giving up my desires, my wishes, my life, is hard. It doesn’t always make me a smiling, happy person. Sometimes I do it with a frown and a grumble.

The idea that we need to put on a happy face as a good testimony is also wrong. We do a disservice to the cause of Christ when we give the impression that Jesus makes everything peachy. We are afraid to show grief because we are supposed to believe. We are afraid to get angry because our life is supposed to be wonderful. We ask each other how we are doing, and then don’t give an honest answer because we don’t want folks to think that we’re not trusting God. So, we tell everyone that our lives are wonderful, while families fall apart, faith is shattered, and lives go down the tubes. And then we say, “I never knew. They seemed so happy.” It is not the presence of a smiling face and assertions that everything is great that testifies to the grace and glory of God. It is when we are able to say through the pain and the tears, “I believe God is good. I don’t know why this has happened, and I hurt, but I know my Father cares for me.” A smiling face can hide deep despair, while asserting trust in God through tears shows a depth that can only come from the Spirit.

When we are open about our pain and heartache, we open the door to comfort from those who have been through similar things. We come to see that we are not alone. This helps us to see that our Father really is in control and really does love us. This can bring deep, abiding joy. It is this joy that shows that following Jesus is worth it.

Maybe you are going through some tough things right now, and your pain is more than you can bear. God knows. He experienced imaginable grief at the cross. Don’t be afraid to let your hurt show. Be honest to the Father about how you are feeling. Find some brothers or sisters that you can be open and vulnerable with. Let God use them to bring you comfort and grace. We are children of a good, loving, perfect Father and we are on this journey together. Take the masks off. Don’t be afraid.

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Living in a Broken World

A young wife loses her husband, a child loses a parent. An elderly parent leaves this life. A middle aged man loses his job and sees no prospects ahead. Marriages struggle. Church leaders struggle with the demands of ministry while others succumb to the temptation of celebrity. In some corners of the world, believers are imprisoned and killed simply because they follow Jesus.

Anyone who thinks that because we are Christians, our lives are supposed to be sweetness and light, needs to wake up to the reality that we live in a broken world. Sometimes, life sucks. Things don’t always go the way we think they should and we are sometimes left wondering. At times, the stuff of life can be overwhelming. We are tempted to give up and despair. Words of comfort fall on deaf ears. I don’t have any words of wisdom. I don’t have any explanation for most of what happens. I definitely don’t want to spout out empty platitudes that may do more harm than good.

There is one thing I believe, and hold on to. I believe that God is good. When things don’t make sense, God is good. When the stuff piles up, and the pressure gets unbearable, God is good. When everything seems to fall apart, God is good. As I’ve gotten older and been through a few things, I am certain of less than I used to be. At the same time, I have become more certain of the goodness of God, more certain that my Father loves me and desires to do me good, even though I may not understand what that good might be. Unlike people I have known who said they were trustworthy and failed to follow through, my Father can be trusted to do what is loving and what is good.

Take heart, friends. God is a loving Father who knows what it is like to suffer. His heart is good to you, and he knows the end from the beginning. Even though it is hard, trust God’s heart. Trust his love and his grace. Trust that, though we currently live in a broken world, your Father is redeeming and restoring all things.