Category: my journey

Posted on

Out of the Cave, Into the…

Some of you have read my recent post about finding myself in a cave. I’m now out of the cave, although still not far from the entrance. I now find myself in the middle of a thicket, sort of like a stand of rhododendron or mountain laurel, so thick that you cannot see out of it. It is still somewhat dark, and the direction I should take is unclear. I see many paths out, but don’t know yet which one to take.

There is the path that would take me back into the church world I left a few years ago. Next to it is the path that would take me to the land of the mega-church. Here I could find a place to hide and lick my wounds. One path seems to go in circles, and looks as if it would leave me no better off. Yet another way out continues in the search for community. That is the path that interests me the most, and the way that I have learned most about in the last couple of days.

You see, I have learned something about community, and about myself. I think I’m beginning to learn why I spent time in the dark cave. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am a pretty laid back individual, but that when I am passionate about something, I tend to go all out. As I learned more and more about the God’s desire for his children to live as brothers and sisters because of Christ, I became more and more passionate with living in community. Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “The person who loves their dream of community will destroy community, but the person who loves those around them will create community.” As I look back on the past year, and my desire to have and fight for community, I realize I inadvertently pushed it too hard and may have been part of the cause of its destruction. I know that my heart was good, but I think I may have wanted community so badly that I didn’t see the problems that it was causing. Even though I tried to sacrificially love those around me, I think that I didn’t leave room for God to work, thinking that as long as we spent enough time together, growth and maturity would automatically happen.

I now realize that community is something that has to happen naturally, as God’s people learn to love one another. It is something that cannot be forced, and the Holy Spirit must be the one to form it rather than humans whose motives can be tainted by our own needs. I also realize that a particular form of community may not last as long as I think, and that I need to be willing to let it go when it is time. For those of you reading this who have been on the receiving end of my misguided efforts, I am sorry. I put the ideal of community ahead of my brothers and sisters. I was wrong.

As to what is next in this journey along the back roads, only God knows. I know that Jan and I still desire to share our lives with some fellow Christ-followers. I also know that it may not take any form that we expect. It may be in a regular gathering. It may take place in just getting together with one or two who share our desire. What I also know is that I want it to be something that happens as Christ’s Spirit moves, not when I think it should happen.

I’m learning to trust my Father. As I leave the thicket, I want to be hear my Shepherd’s voice and follow him wherever he leads, whenever he leads, and to whatever he leads. I would appreciate your prayers.

Posted on

Suffering

If you know any human being, you know someone who has suffered. Suffering is one thing we all have in common, to one degree or another. Through most of human history, suffering has been the norm. For the follower of Jesus, suffering is what our Lord told us would happen to us (John 16:33).

In the West, particularly in America, we seem to have bought the notion that suffering is something that happens to those who are “sinners,” or to those Christians who just don’t have enough faith. We don’t like suffering (I am included in that number). It hurts. It’s hard. It doesn’t fit our image of the “blessed life.” It lasts too long. I have heard this attitude described as wanting the crown without the cross. Take a look at the kind of preaching you will find in a lot of churches and organizations. There are steps to become a better (fill in the blank), principles to be happy, keys to finding your best life.

You don’t hear many sermons on Romans 5:3; 8:17-18; 2 Corinthians 1:5; Philippians 3:10; 1 Peter 2:19, and other passages that speak of our suffering as followers of Jesus, and how that suffering allows us the privilege of entering into the sufferings of Christ. We simply don’t take seriously the many times our Lord tells us that following him is going to cost us something. It’s not really anything big, just our life!

Some of us wouldn’t mind suffering so much if it didn’t take so doggone long. I think the word longsuffering is appropriate. Suffering seems to last and last, so we look for a quick fix, and when one can’t be found, we complain to God that it’s too hard and is going on too long. We live in an instant gratification culture, where you can get it quick and get it your way. What we forget is the simple fact that if we seriously follow Jesus, we give up the microwave, Burger King life. What we do get, we get in God’s timing and in his way. We don’t really like that. I know I don’t. It gets in the way and messes up our plans for a nice tidy life. It reminds us that Someone else is in control, not us.

Suffering is a fact of life, even for those who claim that their faith puts them above and beyond it. Wouldn’t it be better to suffer for the King and his Kingdom, knowing he can and will redeem it and that it can’t even begin to compare with the glory that awaits us? I think I’ll take that deal. God help me.

Posted on

The Cave

Papa! Papa! Where am I?

How did I get here? It’s so dark. I can’t see a thing!
I remember walking along the path with my friends. Next thing I know I’m waking up here in the dark. I think I remember the path passing near the entrance of a cave. Is that where I am?

How do you feel?

Everything hurts. I feel like I got hit by a truck. Now I remember. We were walking along when I was hit by something. Who would have done something like this?

An Enemy has done this.

Papa, it hurts so bad! I don’t understand! I’m all alone here in the darkness and I feel like everyone has abandoned me!

You are not alone. Your most trusted long time companion is near, waiting for you. I am here.

How did this happen? Everything seemed good. There was some loose rock on the path at times, and there were some places where part of the path had washed away. but I thought we had gotten past them. I thought this part of the journey was going well. I thought we were together.

Papa?

I’m broken. I feel like I can’t move. I’m afraid to try because I can’t see and I don’t know if it’s safe. I don’t know what to do!

Do you remember the time you spent in the desert learning to trust me rather than what you expected me to do?

Yes, I do. That was hard.

You still have more to learn.

Does it have to be so painful? I’d rather lose a job again than feel so hurt and rejected!

Papa, what do I do?

Stay here for awhile. Don’t move. I know it’s dark and you’re scared, but I’m here with you. You are broken, but my love will heal you. You are safe here. Learn again to trust me. No matter what.

When the time comes, I will lead you out of this place, and you and the person who truly loves you will continue on in your journey with me.

Papa, help me! I have no strength.

I know. I am your strength. I love you, son.

Posted on

Confession Time

I have a confession to make. I don’t follow Jesus perfectly. That’s not the confession though. If you are reading this, you don’t follow Jesus perfectly either. As far as I can tell, Enoch is the one who walked the closest with God, and one day he just wasn’t there. I haven’t seen that happen with anyone else.

My confession is this: I don’t follow Jesus freely. Coming from a background where my actions and obedience counted for more than what was in my heart, it has been relatively easy for me to feel free to do certain things that I was taught were sin. That is not the problem. The problem is that, in trying to follow Jesus, I have been wearing chains that have kept me from freely doing so.

I have tried to be the perfect disciple. I have tried to always say the right thing and always be there for those who need help or are hurting. God has blessed (cursed?) me with a soft heart and in my desire to empathize with people and show them God’s love, I have tried too hard. When things go wrong, I beat myself up because I have not done a good job of loving, serving, being a friend, etc. Just ask Jan. I’ll even beat myself up because I beat myself up!

I came to the realization today that Jesus has not called me to follow him perfectly. He simply calls me to follow him. He has called me to be free. Galatians 5:1 says that it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Think about it. Christ has set us free so we can be free! Free from sin, yes. Free from death, yes. Free from guilt, yes. I realized that he has also set us free from anything that would keep us from following him with a wild abandon. Free from the opinions and expectations of others. Free from always having to do or say the right thing. Free from second guessing and beating ourselves up. Free to fully trust the love of the Father, the power of the Spirit to change lives, and the promise in Romans 8:28 that God does work in everything for the good of us becoming like Christ. I’ve always “believed” that in my head and gave lip service, but I want to grasp hold of those truths and hold onto them with everything in me.

I want to follow my Lord and Savior with every fiber of my being, to hear only my Shepherd’s voice and be trusting enough to follow him with abandon. I want to love others recklessly, to give myself as Jesus did, to simply do whatever my Master tells me to do, regardless. I want to believe without question that my Father loves me even when I’m not perfect, and that he can and will redeem my screw-ups and bring good out of them. I want to not second guess myself, and I want others to see Jesus in me to such an extent that they don’t doubt the goodness of my heart or the love of Jesus.

On top of all that, I want to be and do all this without trying. I want to come to know my Jesus so intimately that it all comes out of my union with him. It seems like a lot to ask for, but my Father is over all and I believe he wants that for me. All I have to do is take it.

I want to follow Jesus freely, not perfectly.

Posted on

Accountability and Focus

Some of you may have been part of an accountability group at some time in your life. I’ve been in men’s groups that began with the intent to be that. Interestingly, those groups broke up before the amount of trust necessary was built up. As my understanding of grace and the Gospel has changed over the years, my view of such groups has also changed.

I do believe it is vital for God’s people to spend time with one another to exhort and build up each other, and that we are called to make disciples. I think the focus of many accountability groups is on the wrong thing. Of course, that may be due to the fact that the focus of many churches is wrong. Accountability groups are usually formed in an attempt to help a group of folks stop doing any number of sinful behaviors. The idea is that if a member knows he will be asked if he did _____________________ during the time between meetings. That may cause enough fear to keep them from committing that sin. It also may drive them to lie and become more adept at hiding it. Focusing on sin can create an atmosphere of self-righteousness on the part of those who can control themselves, and failure and shame on the part of those who continue to stumble.

I believe that our focus in the church and in any group of Christ-followers should be on Jesus and what he has done for us. When Jesus cried, “It is finished!” I believe that he meant more than just the work of sacrificing himself for our sins. I believe that Jesus was saying that it all is finished, that there is nothing else for us to do. Once we are adopted as God’s children, we are in Christ. We are the Father’s beloved sons and daughters, and we have the Holy Spirit living in us. There is nothing we must or can do to earn God’s favor, it is already ours.

As we focus on God’s love for us and the fact that we are God’s children, our mindset becomes one of desiring to live like the sons and daughters of God that we are. Rather than focus on our sins and trying harder to do better, we remember that because Jesus has done it all, we can do what God wants us to do. When we do sin, it is because we have forgotten who we are. Look at the letters of Paul in the New Testament. He is constantly telling his readers to live like the people they really are, not like the ones they used to be.

We do need to exhort and encourage each other. We cannot live without it. Rather than trying to find out if a brother or sister has sinned in the past week, we need to remind each other that it is finished. Jesus has done it all and God has given us everything we need to live a godly life. As we give each other the Gospel, we remind each other to live out of our heritage because we are God’s children and we have his nature in us. We are a new creation.

Don’t focus on sin. Focus on Jesus.

Posted on

Facebook and Community

Facebook has become quite the cultural phenomenon. One indication that something is popular and successful is the number of attempts to copy it. I like Facebook, in fact I have it open in another window as I type this. Because of Facebook, I have reconnected with folks I went to high school and college with as well as former students. It helps Jan and me keep up better with what is going on in our son’s and daughter’s lives. It is a good way to keep in touch with family and former friends and acquaintances.

Facebook becomes a problem when people use it to try to replace real friendships. It is relatively easy to pile up a lot of “friends,” especially if you have lived a few years and known many people. While these “friends” may have been friends at one time, if the only contact we have with them is on a social networking site, I question whether they can really be called friends. Unfortunately, this is not limited to those whose friendship was based on common interests, work, or school. I can see how those might have faded after a while as interests change, and people moved away.

This way of seeing friends also exists in the church. It manifests itself in mega-churches, where many members are acquaintances who have a “relationship” with hundreds of folks who they may see once a week or so. It also manifests itself in those who actually use Facebook as a substitute for real friendship and community. Those of us who follow Jesus are more than just “friends.” We are brothers and sisters. We are members of one Body. We are members of one another. We are called to live in community.

I don’t believe that we can recreate the first century church, nor should we. We live in different times, with different issues. But I do believe the attitude the early Christians had is the same attitude we are called to. They were devoted to Jesus Christ as the King who gave himself for them and was in control of their lives. They were devoted to each other, taking Jesus at his word when he said that love was laying down their life for their friends (how many would lay down their lives for “friends” who they only deal with online).

Living in real community doesn’t necessarily mean that we move into a house together or set up a commune. It does mean that we are devoted to those God has brought into our lives because we are devoted to Christ and because we have the same Father. It can be messy and difficult. It is easy to type “praying” on a Facebook status. It is harder to pray in person with that person. It is harder to sacrifice time and effort to help that person. It is harder still to meet that friend at the police station, hospital, or morgue when something has gone terribly wrong. How many of our on-line friends could, or would do that for us. How many would lay down their lives for us.

We are called to follow Jesus. He didn’t just click on the “Like” button for us or leave a nice comment on our status. He lived to show us how to live and then he did the ultimate. He laid down his life for us, his friends. We are commanded to do the same. It can’t be done on-line. It must be real life.

Posted on

New Addition

Back in May I wrote this, about how God had given me an image of myself as a clay jar to be filled and poured out on to others. At the same time I had been reading about being a warrior. As I was trying to put those two images together, God reminded me of Gideon, who was a warrior who delivered his people with clay jars and swords. The success of Gideon lay in the power of God, not in his own strength.

This is what came out of those images. I had it done this past Thursday.

Posted on

Out With the Old…

In two more days we will say goodbye to 2011. As this year winds down, many will be making resolutions to break old habits and patterns. Others will be cleaning out closets and getting rid of old clothes. The end of one year and the beginning of the next seems to be a good time to rid ourselves of some things that are old and adopt new habits, clothes, etc.

As I look at Scripture and ponder the state of the church today, I think it is time for those of us who call ourselves Christians, followers of Christ, whatever, to jettison the old and embrace the new. When I look at the organized church, I see an institution that is still bound in an Old Covenant way of thinking and doing things. Walk into almost any church building on a Sunday morning and you will see one person standing in front of the congregation and lecturing the people. That person is part of a particular class of trained professionals who are entrusted with the task of representing God to the people and teaching them. Think Old Testament priests. Those people have traveled to a particular building (temple) on a particular day (Sabbath) to hear from God through the preacher’s words. Many believe that the only way to gather in a way that glorifies God is on Sunday in a building that is set aside for that purpose. In many of those buildings the people can come to an altar in the front to sacrifice. Part of the gathering is the when the congregation gives their tithes to pay for the “work of God.” Most of the rationale behind the current system of tithing is based on Old Covenant passages that deal with the upkeep of the Temple and the priestly class.

The church has been trapped in Old Covenant ways for so long that what is done goes unquestioned by many. I believe the folks in congregations are good people who love Jesus and are sincere in their faith. I also believe the abundant life that Jesus said he has for us is far greater than what can be found in Old Covenant living. Jesus abolished the Old Covenant system. He established a New Covenant based on grace, a way of life where God is present within each of his children, and where those children can gather anywhere, anytime. In the New Covenant, all are given the responsibility and privilege of ministering to each other, of discipling each other, and teaching each other. In the New Covenant, Jesus’ followers live in a spirit of generosity, giving to the needs of others without being badgered or guilted into giving to support programs, buildings, or salaries. In the New Covenant, Jesus is the priority and learning him is the focus. In the New Covenant, forms and structures don’t really matter as long as the King is lifted up and we learn to follow him.

Personally, I plan on living my life as an individual under the New Covenant. I will search through the closets of my thinking and acting and bring out those Old Covenant things that need to go. I wonder if Goodwill will take them.

Posted on

Doing Great Things For God

When I was growing up, I heard a lot about doing great things for God. In Bible college we were regaled with stories of those alumni who had gone on to be senior pastors in large churches, or youth pastors with large followings, or presidents of Bible colleges. These individuals were held up as the standard. As a teacher and coach in Christian schools, I told my students to dream of doing great things. I dreamed of winning state championships, of having former students and players go on to be leaders. I even dreamed of becoming a college coach and having a huge impact for Christ with my players, all while winning a lot of games.

Fast forward a few years. I now work as a paraprofessional in a middle school and an assistant basketball coach at a local high school. Over the years I have sent out a whole lot of resumes, added to my educational credentials, and done everything else I could to do something great. Nothing panned out. There have been many times when I felt as if I had missed my chance to do great things, to make an impact for God’s Kingdom. I would look at others who did what was considered great, and wonder why it wasn’t me. I felt let down, by God and by myself. I tried to soothe things by being “humble.” You know, the whole “I’m just one of those folks that just tries to serve God any way I can” schtick. I would venture to say that there are a whole lot of Christians who have felt the same way.
Over the past couple of years, through Scripture and the encouragement of my family and close friends, I have come to change my definition of greatness. John Wooden used to tell his teams at UCLA that true greatness consisted of doing the best you can all the time (I know that’s a rough paraphrase, but you get the idea). I believe that is also true in our walk with God. The Father does not expect us to “do great things,” especially as the world defines greatness. He simply asks us to be faithful to the task he has given us. The funny thing is, that actually is doing great things. As followers of the King, and citizens of his Kingdom, we are involved in what C.S. Lewis called an invasion. We are representatives of a King who is in exile, and we are called to bring his Kingdom to bear in a world that is controlled by our enemy. That makes everything we do as followers of Christ significant. We are part of a great story, the story of the restoration of Creation. Jesus said that even giving a cup of cold water in his name was a great thing. Wow. That really changes a lot of things.
Don’t let anyone sell you short. Don’t buy the lie that you are insignificant, and the things you do don’t matter. You are a child of the Creator of the universe, and God’s Spirit lives in you. Your heart has been, and is being transformed. The Father has given you gifts and talents that he wants you to use to bless others. Even if the “only” thing you can do is love others as Jesus has loved you (and that’s really pretty doggone huge when you think about it), you are playing a role in the greatest story ever. You are doing great things.
Posted on

In the book, In the Name of Jesus, Henri Nouwen wrote of the temptations faced by leaders in the church, and by the church as a whole. Those temptations are relevance, popularity, and leading.

The first temptation is to be relevant, to be able to do things, to fix things, to take care of things. All of us, individually and corporately, are called to minister to others. It is easy to think that we have to “make a difference” in the lives of the people we serve, and to fall into the belief that that they need us to change them. This is a trap that I have fallen into more than a few times. Nouwen writes that the way to change this thinking is to spend time contemplating the love of the Father for us and learning to grow in our love for him. Instead of worrying about positions on issues of the day, or trying to figure out how best to solve the problems of other people, we “must be rooted in the permanent, intimate relationship with the incarnate Word, Jesus, and they need to find there the source of their words, advice, and guidance.”
The next temptation is to be popular. We all want to be thought well of, to accomplish things that will make folks look at us and applaud. If we were honest with ourselves we would have to admit that a great deal of what we do individually, and a great deal of what is done in the church, is to attract others to ourselves. The answer to this temptation is to remember that “We are not the healers, we are not the reconcilers , we are not the givers of life. We are sinful, broken, vulnerable people who need as much car as anyone we care for.” We all need to remain open and vulnerable to those we serve, keeping in mind that what they need is the love of God. We are simply to love God, and let him love others through us.
The third temptation is the temptation to be powerful. This is possibly the temptation that the church has succumbed to the most. The early church had no political, economic, or cultural power; and it turned the world upside down. Since then the church has bought into the philosophy that the way to change the world is through power. While the church has continued to do great things through the centuries, I wonder how much more good could have been accomplished for the Kingdom if Christians had remembered that our power is from the Spirit of God, and that our warfare is spiritual not physical. As someone who has been in a position of authority over my students and athletes over the years, that temptation has been hard for me to overcome. I still struggle with the tension between loving those I work with and exercising authority when needed.
None of us likes to be powerless. We have been taught to not be weak, or even be seen as week. I appreciate what Nouwen says about powerlessness: “Powerlessness and humility in the spiritual life do not refer to people who have no spine and who let everyone else make decisions for them. They refer to people who are so deeply in love with Jesus that they are ready to follow him wherever he guides them, always trusting that, with him, they will find life and find it abundantly.”
In my own journey, I am learning more and more to love Jesus, to trust him to guide me and give me that abundant life. May we all realize that we are not the ones that change the lives of others. We are simply the vessels that the Father chooses to flow through.