Category: my journey

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Blast From the Past

I thought I’d go back in the archives and give those of you who don’t know a whole lot about me a glimpse of where I am coming from and what has led me to where I am now. This is the first of some posts I wrote a while ago that will give you a bit of a glimpse inside. Enjoy.

I started my journey as a follower of Jesus when I was four years old. I know that may seem young, but I distinctly remember asking God to forgive my sins and save me, and I believe that’s when I became his child. Obviously, at that age, I didn’t have a clue about how this was going to work out in my life. I grew up as a pretty good kid, started a period of rebellion as a teenager, went to a conservative Bible college where the rebellion continued, actually graduated and began a few years of ministry in Christian schools.

My rebellion continued, but changed from a general fighting against “authority” to a realization that a lot of the things I was taught in fundamentalism were not only not sensible, but were not even Biblical. For awhile I tried to still minister in fundamental schools, while growing increasingly frustrated with the legalism and lack of grace and love that I saw around me and sometimes experienced. I know that I was seen as a “black sheep” by many.

About three years ago, God began to take me on a part of the journey that would change my life.

But, that’s a story for another day.

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Hurry Up and Wait

“Hurry up and wait” is a phrase that some who have served in the military my be familiar with. It is also a phrase that describes something that those who have Huntington’s Disease or care for someone who has it have to keep in mind in their day-to-day.

When Jan and I went to the Huntington’s symposium last year, one of the speakers told a story of speaking with a man with HD. He would ask a question and the man wouldn’t answer right away, so the speaker would ask him a further question to clarify. The man again wouldn’t answer right away. After a few minutes of this, the speaker asked the man if he was getting frustrated and the man told him that he indeed was getting very frustrated. The man said that the speaker kept setting his clock back. When asked what he meant the man described his thinking process as a hand on the clock. As he tried to process each question, the hand was moving from twelve o’clock toward six o’clock. Each time the speaker asked him another question, the hand was interrupted in its movement and had to reset back to twelve o’clock.

Hurry up and wait is one of those aspects of the new normal for those affected by HD. The processing of questions, ideas, etc. is slowed down. As the disease progresses, the person may lose a great deal of the ability to carry on conversations because of the length of time needed to process. This can lead to frustration for the one who has HD, the ones who are caretakers, and friends and other family members. Hence the reminder to hurry up and wait. Patience is needed by all involved. Those with HD can be just as frustrated, if not more so, than others around them.

As we journey together through this new normal, we are having to learn to be patient. I am learning that the answers will come if I am patient enough to wait. Jan is learning to be patient with me when I just think about the “hurry up” part of the phrase. Even though it is not easy, I think it has given me a greater appreciation of Jan as my wife and as a human being with worth, regardless of whether or not she comes up with a quick response.

I would appreciate your prayers as we journey down this back road together.

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Getting Personal

May is Huntington’s Disease Awareness month. This month is significant to our family. Last summer, my wife Jan was diagnosed with HD. Later, we found out that both of our children and one of Jan’s sisters also have it.

HD is a genetic, fatal neurological disease for which there is no cure. Yet. If you want to find out more about it you can go to https://hdsa.org/what-is-hd/overview-of-huntingtons-disease/?

As you can probably guess, the diagnosis of a disease such as this has changed our lives. After all, since there is no cure, it will end in death. There is currently no treatment for the disease, only for the symptoms. As the disease progresses, there will be issues with memory and processing, problems with balance and movement and issues with speech and swallowing. Death is often caused by pneumonia, heart failure, choking or other complications. Depending on when the symptoms appear, the course can run from ten to twenty five years.

There are varying degrees of HD. How severe the disease will be depends on the number of “repeats” in a particular gene. The lower the number, the shorter and less severe. The threshold number is 40. That is Jan’s number. The folks with the higher numbers usually show symptoms between the ages of 30 and 50.

We are in a season of trying to settle into a new normal, with only a limited idea of what the future will look like. We know that we have to trust that our loving Father has us in his hands, and that he will be with us through whatever may come. There will be days ahead when Jan will not be able to do many of the things she once did, and there will be times of frustration and wondering.

Our children also face the unknown, but there is encouraging news for them. A number of clinical trials are showing promise, and there is a possibility of a future treatment that could effectively cure HD. We hope and pray that medical science is able to accomplish this soon.

We would appreciated your thoughts and prayers for us as we travel down this back road together.

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Palm Sunday

Today we celebrated the day that Jesus rode into Jerusalem on a donkey, surrounded by people hailing him as the Messiah. Evidently this procession was not the only one making it’s way into the city that day. The Roman governor, Pilate, was also entering Jerusalem with his forces. This was something that happened before every Jewish holiday. After all, the Romans had to remind the Jews who really was in charge.

So, you have an imperial Roman procession on one side of the city and a subversive, Messianic parade on the other side. The people shouting, “Hosanna!” as Jesus made his way along the road thought they understood what was going on. As they saw it, this man who had performed so many miracles was the promised king who would drive out the hated Gentile oppressors and restore the glory of Israel. Unfortunately, as the week unfolded, many of these same people, now disillusioned, would join in the calls for his crucifixion by those same oppressors.

Those folks were partially right. Jesus was the promised Messiah. He had come to set up a kingdom and free them from their oppression. What they didn’t realize was the nature of the kingdom. It was a kingdom that is not of this world, a kingdom that came in, not by way of overthrowing the present empire, but by the king dying at the hands of that empire. The Jews were expecting God to do things the way they expected. They didn’t understand that God rarely works that way.

I thought of how many times I’ve prayed for things and thought that God was going to answer those prayers in a certain way, either because I had jumped through a certain number of hoops to “earn” God’s blessing, or because I couldn’t think of any other way God could act. I trusted in God for the things I thought he would (or should) do. Like the Jews I followed Jesus for what I could get out of it. The funny thing is, God never seemed to do the things that I expected, yet so many things turned out in such a way that I knew the Father was taking care of me. Things were not all sweetness and light, and sometimes I questioned God about what he was doing. But I can look back on those days and see that God was there, and that he was working.

I have learned (and continue to learn) that God is not predictable. He is not someone who can be counted on to always do things a certain way. God relates to people in all kinds of ways, and we cannot tie him down to a particular plan of action. None of us can figure God out, yet he calls us into relationship with him. In that relationship we learn to trust God simply for who he is rather than for what we think he can do for us.

Be encouraged. Your Father loves you more than you know. He has given you his life and his glory. Trust the Father, even when the parade of Palm Sunday turns into the darkness of Friday.

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Update Time

Twists and turns. Turns and twists. As I travel these back roads of life, the road changes from time to time. Just like that, it can go from a smooth, well paved road to a rutted, overgrown path through a deep dark forest. Sometimes the road takes me to the top of a mountain where the vista seems to stretch out forever. Other times the way gets hard to see and I wonder if I’m even on the right path.

The road has taken another one of those twists. I haven’t gone down one of those dark, scary paths, but it seems as if I’ve come to a crossroads. The road seemed to be leading straight and level, and I thought it would last for quite a while. Now, I sit, knowing that the next stage of the journey will take me somewhere else but not knowing where that will be.

A couple of years ago, I began a position as an assistant at a small law firm. From the beginning it seemed like a dream come true. I envisioned staying there until I was ready to retire. For the first time in my working life, I enjoyed going to the office everyday. Would you like to guess what happened? Yep. I was laid off a week ago. The firm has restructured and that has left me as the odd man out. Even though I would have liked to stay there, I understand that they did what they had to do.

So, I am once again looking for work. This time, I am not as concerned as I have been at other times. I have a community around me that is supportive and helpful, and already have some possibilities to pursue. There are a few directions I could go. As far as I know, none of them will lead into the wilderness. In the meantime I will pursue the opportunities and see where they lead.

If you’ve read any of my earlier posts, you know that I tend to see things from a slightly different point of view than other folks. So it goes with this latest bend in the road. I’m actually kind of looking forward to seeing where the next stage of this journey will take me. If there is one thing I’ve learned on this trip called life, it is that my heavenly Father knows the way I take and he will take care of me.

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38 Years and Counting

On this date thirty eight years ago, Jan and I were married. We have been through a lot in that time, most of it good, some it challenging, and some of it flat out bad. We have reared two children, and are grateful that they have grown into responsible adults. We have buried our parents and become the “older generation.” We have become grandparents. Not once, not twice, but three times in the past thirteen months.

We have lived in five homes in three different cities, moving from the bustle of the Washington, DC area to the more blue collar Cincinnati, Ohio suburbs, to the small, yet growing town of Rock Hill, South Carolina. We have each taught in four different schools. Jan is currently tutoring part time, and I am working as an assistant in a law office. We have spent most of our working years traveling together to the same place, and had the blessing of having our son and daughter in the same schools with us for a good bit of the time. Jan has stuck with me through the times I was without work, when we often wondered how we were going to make it and when I seriously doubted my self-worth. There were times when her belief in me was what kept me going.

I am grateful for a wife who has been a constant in my life. There has never been a time when I doubted her love for me. She has been a support and a blessing to me throughout the years. She is one of the people God has used to mold me into who I am. I am thankful for the privilege of being her husband, her companion, her love. I consider myself most blessed man on earth.

As we enter this new stage of our journey, being grandparents, and dealing with getting a bit older, I am glad to have such a wonderful woman to travel with. Jan, I love you so much more than yesterday, and so much less than tomorrow. Happy Anniversary.

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Father

All of us have fathers. My father was a good man. Not perfect, but good. There never was a time when I didn’t know he loved me. He was a good provider and role model. I learned a great deal from him, although not as much as I could, or should, have. He was the kind of father that makes me proud to be his son.

Many folks don’t have a father like that. It is heartbreaking to hear those who had fathers who were absent. Some of their fathers died while they were young, others were absent because of work or simply lack of interest. More heartbreaking are the stories of the fathers who were abusive, who treated their children in ways that no one should be treated.

Our picture of God is often colored by our experience with our earthly fathers. Some of us see God as Abba, as the loving Father who cares perfectly for his children. To us, he is Papa, Daddy. Others unfortunately, have a hard time seeing God as their Father. Their image of God is that of a King who is hard, who is demanding, who is always asking more and more of us. That saddens me, because I believe the picture we have of God has a great deal to do with how free we are able to live as his children.

I once heard someone say something which I  believe will help those who struggle with the idea of God as Father. If you have trouble with that, try to imagine the perfect father, with all of the best attributes and no bad qualities. Imagine a father who always makes good and loving decisions, and who always does what is best for his children. Then, take that image and magnify it beyond comprehension. Do that and you have God.

Even the best of earthly fathers are imperfect. My father had his flaws, and I definitely have mine. But our heavenly Father, our Abba, has no flaws. He is absolutely perfect. He is everything anyone would want in a father, and more. We can’t begin to imagine such a perfect father. But we can accept that he is and trust him to be exactly what we need.

Cry out to Abba. Let his furious love wash over you and let him wrap you in his arms. Crawl up in his lap and rest in his perfect care.

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Repost: Dead, Yet Alive

This was first posted on June 15, 2012.

Those of you who have read this blog over the past three or four months know that one of the topics I wrote a fair amount on was death. Death to self, dying for others. Those posts came out of some recent experiences, and as I was thinking about them the other day, I was concerned that I may have come across as a bit morose. Over the last couple of months, I have learned a few things. Believe it or not, I am still very much a work in progress and am continually learning.

The biggest thing that I am learning is the difference between what so many of us see as living, and what Scripture tells us about life. Many people (Christians included) see life as all about getting as much stuff as you can. That stuff can be money and possessions, or career satisfaction and success. It can be friends and followers, or family. It can be any number of things. The prosperity gospel preachers tell us that if we just have faith, God will give us a life filled with health and wealth, and devoid of problems. Some preachers preach that if we just love everyone, our lives will be filled with friends. Many evangelicals preach that if we follow a number of steps (based on the Bible of course) we will have great marriages, successful children, and a joyous life. Even those who look on horrified at all those things teach that if we keep all the rules our life will be wonderful.

In John 10:10, Jesus states that he came so we could have an abundant life. There are many places in Scripture where a life of following Jesus is presented as the ultimate way to live. Jesus says in Luke 17:33 that those who lose their lives for his sake will find life. In Luke 18, Jesus states that those who give up family, etc. to follow him will receive those things back, and then some. Jesus does call us to come and die. He also says that dying is the way to real, abundant life. The problem comes when we expect that abundant life to include lots of friends, success in our endeavors, good health, enough money to do anything we want, or anything else we think will make us happy. We are like those described by C.S. Lewis in Weight of Glory, “It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”  

We tend to see life in terms of what we can see and touch, when the life Jesus offers us rises far above the mundane things of this life. We are far too easily pleased. We set our sights on things that will pass away and miss the eternal pleasures the Father has for us right now. I wonder how many of those who believe God is in the business of giving them whatever they want believe that they will have those things in the new heavens and new earth. I hope none of us really believe that the things of this earth are the things that count. We do act like it many times.

As Christ calls us to die, let us remember that he also calls us to live. Live in him. 

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Goodbye and Hello

2017 has passed into history. There have been a few years in recent memory to which I bid “Good riddance.” This past year is not one of those. 2017 was a good year for me and my family. Jan and I became grandparents. Twice. I started a new job, which I love. There were some hiccups. It was not a perfect year, but overall it was peaceful, without the drama of some recent years.

As I look back on the past year, I am thankful for the good things that God has blessed us with. Grandchildren and the new job are right up there at the top of the list, along with a deepening of our relationship as husband and wife. Our relationships with our friends has also grown stronger, and we are grateful for them. This year has been more active than most, but we have been blessed with the energy we needed. I have no idea what 2018 holds. I hope that it is as good as 2017, but I realize that it may not be.

I don’t know if your past year was good or bad. I don’t know if you are looking forward to this new year or not. I do know how it feels to be glad one year is gone and also dread the coming year. While I can’t totally understand what everyone goes through, I can empathize. I can also hope and pray with you that 2018 is a good year for you.

Let me encourage you to trust God this coming year. There may be times when you can’t even begin to figure out what he is doing, or if he is even working at all. Those times when you can’t see his hand at work, trust his heart. Trust that the Father’s love for you is so strong that he will never let anything come into your life that he does not use for your good. The last part of Romans 8 is true. There is absolutely nothing on earth or in heaven that can separate you from Abba’s love.

Don’t live this year worrying about the state of your finances, your health, your relationships. Don’t be worried about the future of the country’s politics, or world affairs. The Creator of all things, who is your Father, is in complete control. Since even the fall of a tiny bird doesn’t escape God’s attention, trust that he has your situation firmly in hand. As Julian of Norwich said, “…all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well.”

May your 2018 be full of the love of Abba! 

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Anger

A while back, I wrote a post about the number of folks that were letting their lives be ruled by fear. It seems to me that a growing number of people are also angry. This anger may be driven by their fear. We do have more of a tendency to get angry when we’re fearful or when we don’t understand something or someone.

Some of the prevalent images in the news or social media lately have been images of anger, from the white supremacists with their garden party torches, to the folks on the other side who just want to tear things down. They are angry. Angry because this group of people are getting what seem like advantages that they don’t have, or angry because that group is trying to assert their rights. Neither side is interested in sitting down and trying to have a conversation because they are too busy being angry. Road rage is becoming a bigger problem. Some folks will shoot you if you don’t go fast enough and they have to slow down.

There are things to be angry about. Some of the folks who are expressing their anger have a legitimate gripe.  I see situations almost every day that make me angry. The problem is not anger as such. The problem is letting that anger become so big that it takes over and drives everything we do. We focus on being angry and don’t take that anger and let it be the fuel for positive work.

In his letter to the Ephesian church, Paul writes that we should “Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.” Things are going to happen that make us angry. That anger may spring from selfishness or it may be justified. It may even be “righteous anger.” In that anger, we are not to sin. We are not to let that anger cause us to harm or even denigrate another person. We are to deal with that anger and whatever is causing it. If I am angry at someone because they have done something I don’t like, the first thing I need to do is ask my self if the anger is justified. As I have grown older, I’ve become more convinced that most things are just not worth getting angry about.

The second thing that I need to do is ask if there is anything I have done against the other person. Maybe their action was a reaction to something I had done. If so, I need to try to make it right. The third thing I need to do is ask if there is anything I can do in a positive way to help the situation that I am angry about. I can be angry about injustice, but I must realize that there is only so much I can do. A hard lesson for me to learn was the fact that I can’t save everybody. I can only do what God gives me to do and trust him for the outcome.

Those of us who call ourselves followers of Jesus should be the least angry people. We are to be gentle, compassionate people. Others should see the hope that is in us and want to ask aboutit. We should live lives that make people thirsty for the truth, goodness, and beauty of Jesus. May it be so.