Category: trust

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Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

If there is one word that best sums up the past year here in the sunny South, it would be the word interesting. There have been a lot of changes and adjustments through the year, especially in the second half. I started 2014 by choosing grace as my word for the year, and there have been multiple moments when I have had to lean on God’s grace.

The first five months of the year were relatively normal. Then, things got weird. June 5 was my last day at the middle school where I have been working the past eight and a half years. I didn’t actually go in to work that day though, because my father-in-law fell and broke his hip that morning. That was the beginning of the adjustments. I was without work and my father-in-law was taking a different road in his journey. As it has turned out, being out of work has allowed me the time to help him out and to take care of his financial affairs as well as helping him with doctor visits and life in an assisted living facility.

We made it through the summer, and in the middle of September we flew out to California for our daughter, Jennie’s, wedding. We had a wonderful time with her and with our new in-laws. I also had the honor of being the officiant at the wedding! That was an amazing thing, and I only choked up three times! We came back home, and within a few weeks our son told us that he and his wife were moving from Charlotte to Seattle so he could work with his cousin who has his own architectural design business. The idea of both of our children being on the opposite side of the country has taken some getting used to, but we know that it’s a great opportunity and we are happy for them.

We were able to get together with both of our children at the beginning of December, when we celebrated Christmas and a couple of birthdays. On the 19th, Josh and Alicia set out with all their worldly possessions in a Honda Fit. They drove across the country and arrived in Seattle two days before Christmas. Jan and I celebrated Christmas with her father, and then with some close friends. So Christmas was a bit different, but it was good.

Last night we said goodbye to one year and hello to another. While there are things I could wish had happened differently, I am grateful for God’s hand in everything. As we enter into this new year, I still don’t have a job, and I’m not totally sure how to proceed. The path is shrouded in fog, and we really don’t have a clue what will happen in the future. What we do know is that our Father loves us, and that his heart is good toward us. He knows what is to come, and how we are going to best represent his kingdom.

My word for this year is trust. My prayer is, “Lord, I believe! Help my unbelief!”

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The River

This past summer, while on a break from my bus driving duties, I spent some time sitting on the bank of the river that runs out by the camp. I stayed there about an hour, relaxing and watching some of the wildlife. As I sat, a number of things made their way through my mind.

I saw a hawk and an osprey fly along the surface of the river looking for fish. At one point the hawk dove into the water and came up with a meal. I saw fish come up to the surface and snatch the insects scurrying there. I thought how the river is a giver of life, and was reminded of Jesus’ statement that rivers of living water would flow from those who would follow him, that water being the Spirit of the One who gives eternal life.

I saw a cicada fall into the water and twice narrowly miss being dinner for a fish. The cicada tried to swim to a branch or something to get out of the water, struggling more and more as his wings grew tired and waterlogged. I thought of how the river can also be a bringer of death. It was high and flowing swiftly, and anyone caught in the current would have been in danger. I saw branches and other debris carried downstream by the inexorable flow, and thought of the way life can be. As I get older, I am more aware of how quickly time passes, and how it moves relentlessly to the end. Sometimes life, like the river, brings us death. Dreams, goals, careers, and so on, can die as our lives change. Death is a fact of life.

Since June, I have often felt like I am in a river that is running swiftly. I don’t know where it is taking me and I feel as if there is not a whole lot I can do about it. On one hand, there is some uneasiness because of the unknown. One the other, there is a feeling of adventure. There is a sense of moving into new territory and a wonder at what I might find there. I believe that I have a guide with me on this journey, even though he currently is not saying much along the way.

All along, I have had the sense that God was going to do something a bit unexpected with me. I still feel that way. What that may be, I don’t know. The river may take me to a tropical paradise, or it may leave me stuck on a sandbar for a while. I am sure that it will be interesting, and I know my Father is good and that he loves me.

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What’s Neglected in Worship

This morning, Josh turned me on to this article on the tendency of the church to neglect the reality of tragedy as a part of worship, instead turning to a form that gives the impression that the Christian life is all sweetness and light. I wonder if we try to forget the stuff of life in our worship because we really don’t trust God to redeem every part of our life, and don’t really believe God’s heart is good toward us.

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Reflections on a Year

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. This quote from A Tale of Two Cities doesn’t exactly describe this past year, but the highs were high and the lows were low. There have been things that I hope I never have to go through again and things that I hope continue on and on.

The first three months of 2012 brought us the end of a small fellowship of believers we had been leading and the end of what we thought was a close friendship. Those months were especially hard on me. If you want to  get an idea of where I was during that time you can go back and read some of the posts from January to April. It was a dark time that I hope to never experience again.

In April, we began meeting with a group of believers on Sunday nights as part of a church plant. God showed his sense of humor by leading a guy who had no desire to go back to the institutional church to a church that is part of a denomination. As we quickly found out, this group is different. They met on Sunday nights for a meal, and then had a worship service, ending with communion. There were also groups that met during the week for a meal, a Bible study, or just hanging out together. We were welcomed and accepted from the beginning. The biggest draw for me was the mission of the church to benefit our city and to help each other learn to follow Jesus.

The defining moment came pretty quickly. You can read about it here. We had been looking for community, and had tried to create it. Those attempts had been a miserable failure. Now the Father had led us into a community of faith that already existed, and that was truly centered in Jesus Christ and the truth of the Gospel. As the months have gone by, we have grown to love these brothers and sisters and God has given us opportunities to minister to them, and be ministered to.

In May, our son Josh got married. His wife is a beautiful young woman, and is a blessing to us. We have grown to love her as one of the family. Josh was able to land a job at a local architecture firm, and we are rejoicing at God’s blessing. As the year continued, there were a couple of dips in the road, but for the most part the journey has been pretty good. God has continued to teach us and bless us, and draw us closer to himself.

When this year began, I had an inkling that God was about to do something in my life. Little did I know what that would mean. I definitely would have done things differently had I been in charge, but then we wouldn’t be where we are now. I have been learning that though the Father’s mercy may look like something far different, I can trust his goodness and love. I am learning to trust my Abba’s love, leaving things in his hands.

It’s been an interesting year. There have been some tough times and there have been some good times. The good has definitely outweighed the bad. We are in a good place, and I’m looking forward to how the Father is going to work in me in 2013. To quote another piece of literature:

“The road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
and I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And wither then? I cannot say.”
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Repost: Learning

This is something I wrote a few years ago. I’m putting it up today with the thought that someone may need some encouragement and possibly this will help a bit.

I was there
I knew the truth
Then you decided I had more to learn
At first it was easy
The new things were “positive” and encouraging
Then you decided I had still more to learn
Then it was hard
The new things were “negative” and discouraging
Hours of solitude and inactivity
Silence from heaven
I was in the desert
Waiting and waiting. Waiting and wondering
When will it end?
How long will I be out here?
Faith had been mine
But faith was misplaced
My faith was in what you would do
And you didn’t do
What is going on here?
Why isn’t this working?
You finally spoke
You told me to be patient
You sent me teachers
Those who had traveled the same path
I finally learned
To trust in you
Not in what you might do
But in you as you are
I departed the desert
But I left some things there
Just in case

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Letting Go Part 2

I think I must be hardheaded or something. It seems that God had to slow me down a bit more in order to teach me that I am not the one in charge here. A week ago, I lifted a box containing softball uniforms and felt something pop in my lower abdomen where I had hernia surgery about 12 years ago. I went to the doctor on Friday and was informed that it was a strain. Needless to say, I was relieved. Unfortunately the story doesn’t end there.

On Monday, I was informed by the personnel office of the school district that I was not supposed to work for two weeks. The doctor had written on the report that I was not allowed to do any heavy lifting, bending, stooping, etc. for two weeks. I figured it wouldn’t be a problem because I don’t do any of those things in my job. Unfortunately, because I work in special ed., there is the slight (read miniscule) possibility that I might have to do something like that. So, I was sent home until I was cleared by the doctor to come back. Normally, I wouldn’t complain too loudly about a two week vacation in March, except for the fact that I also am not allowed to coach my softball team during that time. There is another teacher in the school who was able to step in and take the team, along with my two assistants, and I am grateful for that.

The hard part for me is letting go of the team for two weeks. There are all kinds of scenarios that I can come up with while I am not there. I went to the game on Tuesday to show my support for the girls, and it was hard to sit and watch. Between that and being at home without being able to do a whole lot, it’s hard. I’m able to do a bit of work around the house and in the yard, but it’s not quite the same as doing what I get paid to do. I’ve had to slow down at a time when I’m usually pretty busy, and my temptation is to complain about it and then waste the time. I’m trying to relax and listen to the voice of my Shepherd in all of this, and trust his will. It’s not an easy thing to do, but hopefully I will learn more about letting my Father lead me and show me what he wants me to do.

There is definitely on good thing in all this. I get to watch all of the NCAA Tournament. 🙂

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Letting Go

During one of the preliminary races before the Daytona 500, Danica Patrick found herself heading into the wall. Just before she hit, Patrick took her hands off the steering wheel. It was a smart move, and possibly kept her wrists from being broken. Her Indy Car experience may have contributed to the action, as she also covered her head with her hands like she was in an open wheel car. If I had been in that situation, I would have held on to that wheel with every ounce of my strength, trying to keep control of the car. The results would have been painful.

I am learning just how much I hate letting go of control in my life. As a recovering perfectionist, I want everything to turn out right. Of course, “right” means what I want. So, in order to make sure that things turn out right, I try to be in control. At the very least, I attempt to keep my hand in what is going on. Now, this method works pretty well when you’re coaching, at least until the players get into the games. Then, the illusion of control sometimes quickly disappears. When you’re dealing with people, especially in discipleship, trying to control another person doesn’t work. Actually, trying to be the one in charge doesn’t really work in most areas of our lives.

One of the things God is teaching me is that my control of my life and the lives of others is ultimately an illusion. God is the one in control. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not advocating a fuzzy “let go and let God” thinking. Nor am I saying that we bear no responsibility for our actions and the consequences of those actions. I do believe that there is much of our lives that is simply out of our control.

This not a reason for despair, however. For the follower of Jesus, the fact that we are ultimately not in control is actually comforting and freeing. Much of the time we worry about making sure that we say and do just the right thing so our efforts will be “successful.” If we are listening to our Shepherd and doing what he wants us to do, we can rest and leave the results up to him. We must remember that we cannot fix anyone, we cannot heal, but God can. We can be privileged to be the vessels through which God channels that healing, but even that is out of our control. We must remember that it is not up to us to make things happen. It is simply our calling to be faithful to what Jesus calls us to do.

God helps us to hear his voice, to be about doing what he calls us to do, and to leave the results in his hands.

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Trust

This is something that I’m constantly having to be reminded of:

“Above all, trust in the slow work of God. We are, quite naturally, impatient in everything to reach the end without delay. We should like to skip the intermediate stages, we are impatient of being on the way to something unknown, something new. And yet, it is the law of all progress that it is made by passing through some stages of instability . . . and that it may take a very long time.”

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin
The Making of a Mind: Letters from a Soldier-Priest.